Me- 1, Sleeping Disorders- 0!

So I've always had this "problem." It's a problem that only my wife knows about. It's a problem she's laughed at me about, teased me about, and called me a stupid dumb baby about. But it's a problem I've had for literally as long as I can remember.

I can't sleep with socks on.

And while the comfort thing may play a small part in this . . . it's not all of it. No. For you see, this problem is all in my head. It's pyschosomatic. I don't know if that is the correct spelling; and I don't care. A man is pouring his heart out to you, and you're worried about spelling? Who are you, my 10th-grade English teacher, Mrs. Prody? (If so, how you been? Remember how much you hated me?) If not, get your head back into the game.

My reason for not being able to sleep in bed while wearing socks is simple; you see, it will make me gay.

That's right. According to my neighbor that lived across the street from me when I was five, only gay people sleep with their socks on. And- with her expertise the only thing backing up this medical claim- it is a fact I have lived with for my entire life.

Now stop looking at me like I am stupid right this minute, Chuckles. I KNOW NOW that sleeping in socks does not make you gay. I learned that when I was 17. Sheesh. But for some reason, I have NEVER been able to make it through an entire night with my socks on. I'll fall asleep, my feet will be toasty warm, and suddenly I'll spring from my slumber, subconsiously removing my stockings in a fit of haste, fling them to the floor, and hit the pillow, falling back to sleep. It all happens in about 3 seconds.

I don't understand why this has been a big deal. I have plenty of gay friends. A gay uncle, and a gay uncle-in-law. No lesbians (outed) in the family, but a couple I'm pretty sure have at least entertained the thought. I'm not against it, and would love to see same-sex marriage legalized (because I have a great present picked out already for the first gay couple I know to tie the knot!)

But a few nights ago, I did it! I slept an entire night with my socks on! Maybe it was a particularly cold night. Maybe I've matured. Maybe I was given prescription cough syrup that would knock out Goliath without the slingshot, and fell asleep as soon as I got into bed, which has not happened since I last wore diapers ('82 or so.)

So I did it. I wore socks throughout the night in bed. And I still love the boobies, and don't care for cock.

I win. And I'm here to tell the rest of you that you can all be winners, too. Just face your fears, and defeat them! And if it takes an assload of cough syrup to do it, then so be it!

Woooooooooooooooolhouse